


What A Catch, Donnie

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dont worry it has a happy ending if you were wondering, lots and lots of angst okay, read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And for years, he contemplates just doing it because at the end of the day he’s just a boy who's got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch. But he can’t do it. Because there’s a part of him that tells him that everything will get better one day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What A Catch, Donnie

**Author's Note:**

> holy fuck i gave myself so many feels while writing this like oh my gosh im still cry. but this fic is based on the song What A Catch, Donnie by Fall Out Boy and also based off of an interpretation I read about what the song's about that I really loved (if you were curious, this is it: http://clandestine.co.vu/post/34844788904/pete-wentz-has-said-that-this-song-is-supposed-to) 
> 
> this is REALLY angsty like read with caution bc there are some trigger warnings for this fic, and they are as followed: mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts/suicide attempt (no character deaths tho), self-deprecating thoughts & low self-esteem. 
> 
> this fic is dedicated to my bestest chummy georgie bc it's her birthday and she loves the angst and i love her so happy birthday georgie yay.
> 
> disclaimer: phan is not real and i am in no way claiming this couple is real. i just ship them kinda hard.

Growing up, Dan’s dad listened to a lot of jazz music, and as a result, Dan had to listen to a lot of jazz music, whether he wanted to or not. Long car rides were often dubbed a trip to hell and back by him and his brother if either of them forgot their music devices and headphones. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t like jazz music - it just wasn’t his cup of tea. But because he was too kind of a person to say that he really didn’t care, more often than not he let his dad go on and on about his favorite musicians, one of them being Donny Hathaway. He would listen to his dad say again and again, “he was a great man, gone too soon” and it wasn’t until Dan was in his early teen years that he figured out what his dad was talking about.

Dan wasn’t allowed to use the internet when he was younger - something about his mom not wanting him to look up porn or download things illegally (both of which, at aged twenty-two, he does), so whenever Dan wanted to know what something was, he had to ask around until someone decided to give him an answer - a right on at that. So that’s what he did; on a day where his dad bought up Donny Hathaway and said he was, “gone too soon,” a very young Dan simply asked, “Where has he gone?” not expecting his dad to tell him that he’s dead.

Dan wasn’t familiar with death. He knew that everyone died eventually, and - according to his very Christian grandma - then went to Heaven, but death was never something he ever had to deal with. All of his family members were still alive, he hadn’t even had a close friend who had someone pass away. So for starters, Dan really didn’t know how to feel when his dad told him that the man he constantly said such good things about was dead. 

It took a few years for Dan to find out how Donny Hathaway really did die; for this, he actually went to a library and did research because back in nineteen-ninety-whatever, he didn’t have his own computer and he couldn’t find the words to explain to his mom why he wanted to know how some man he didn’t even know had died. He didn’t even fully understand it himself, but Dan always did have a bit of an obsessive personality. He loved things with a great passion, and when he was interested in something, he wanted to know all about it. He assumed Donny Hathaway was no exception. 

At the library, Dan took refuge at one of the computers and did as much research as he could before he found the answer he was looking for: Donny Hathaway had killed himself. According to what he had found, the man’s body was found outside on the sidewalk below the window of his 15th floor room at a hotel. He jumped. 

Dan didn’t know what to think or feel of all this; he swallowed thickly, trying to process this information, but his mind was swimming with all sorts of thoughts and feelings that he had to get home. The worst thing about this is he doesn’t really know why he’s so hung up on all of this. Why should he care about some man he doesn’t even know? Why does it bother him that he didn’t just die, but committed suicide? 

For the rest of the day, Dan felt like he was in a fog. It wasn’t until his dad came into his room to say goodnight to him that Dan finally said what was on his mind. “He killed himself, didn’t he?” he blurted out as his dad was leaving his room.

Startled, his dad slowly turned around and looked at his son, not understanding who or what he was talking about. “Excuse me?”

“Donny Hathaway,” Dan explained. “He killed himself,” after a moment of silence, he asked, “Why?” because Dan wasn’t dumb; he knew was suicide was, but still, a part of him couldn’t wrap his mind around _why_ someone would kill themselves. 

With a melancholy expression, his dad simply told him, “He was a sick man,” and he wouldn’t offer a further explanation on the topic, but that was all his dad needed to say for him to realize why Donny Hathaway’s death had affected him so much. Because for years, Dan would wonder if, he too, was a sick man.

* * * 

For years, Dan always felt… different, from everyone else he knew. And not different in the “gifted” way or the “supernatural” way, but like there was something wrong with him. The more he thought about it, the more he was pretty positive that he wasn’t like anyone else he knew, and that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Because he was sure nobody else could list the things they hated about themselves more easier than they could list the things they liked about us. And he was sure nobody else thought about death and dying as frequently as he did. And he was sure nobody else lied in bed, wondering just what life would be like if he didn’t exist - not if he wasn’t born, just if he was… gone. 

Maybe he really was a sick man.

It wasn’t that Dan wanted to kill himself - or at least, that’s what he told himself frequently - but maybe he just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Maybe he wanted to be in a tragic accident that would take his life. Maybe he wanted to disappear for a little while and not have to deal with anything or anyone. But it’s not as if he doesn’t think about killing himself sometimes. Late at night when he’s cried himself dry, when he’s feeling numb, when he’s had enough of life and living and just fucking _everything_ \- he thinks about dying. He thinks about dressing up in his bed suit and writing a note to his parents and brother, telling them that he’s sorry and he loves them and he’s such a fuck up and they’ll be so much better without him, and he thinks about swallowing too many pills or cutting his wrists too deep or just _something_ \- something to make him feel but at the same time, something to take him out of his misery.

Dan hates himself, simple as that. He hates the way he talks, the way he looks, he hates that he’s not good at anything, he hates that he messes everything up without trying - the list goes on and on. And he can’t help but to think that everyone would be better off without him. And the thought itself is so cliche and so “It’s A Wonderful Life” but it’s true. He doesn’t have a best friend, he barely has friends in the first place, and all his friends like other people more than him, so he knows they wouldn’t care if he was gone. His mom and dad have his brother, who is the perfect child and the perfect person and the perfect everything, so they would get over it if he he was gone. He hasn’t impacted anyone’s lives for the better and he knows he won’t be missed. And for years, he contemplates just doing it because at the end of the day he’s just a boy who's got troubled thoughts and the self-esteem to match. What a catch. But he can’t do it. Because there’s a part of him that tells him that everything will get better one day. 

But then Dan meets Phil, and Phil ends up being the greatest thing to ever happen to his life, and because of Phil he swears to himself that he will try to get better. Because Phil loves him so much, and he texts him everyday telling him how special and amazing he thinks he is and on Dan’s bad days, he tells him that everything will be okay. And when they’re together, he whispers it to him when he thinks Dan’s asleep. Phil loves him and Dan promises to be get better for Phil. Because Phil doesn’t even know that he’s so messed up and sometimes thinks about going to sleep and not waking up. Dan can’t tell him any of that; Phil already thinks he’s a mess because he cries too much and gets so worked up that he can’t breathe and can never think of a nice thing to say about himself - if Phil knew how _really_ fucked up he was, there was no way he could love him. 

Not a day goes by where Dan wonders how Phil even manages to love him in the first place, when Dan can’t even manage to love himself most of the time. When he first started YouTube, he would call Phil on Skype immediately after uploading a video, heart pounding and palms sweating because oh god, it was a terrible video and no one’s going to subscribe and everyone’s going to think he’s such a loser. And he tells all of this to Phil, and he hates himself for being so vulnerable in front of him but he can’t help it. Phil doesn’t care though. He lets Dan ramble on and on about how much he sucks, and then Phil counteracts everything Dan says, telling him that he’s funny and perfect and lovely and how could anyone not love him? And Dan feels the tightness in his chest slowly unwind and he’s once again reminded of how perfect Phil is and how he promises to get better because of him. 

Dan loves Phil, but Phil doesn’t love himself either, he’s just more subtle about it. But Dan can see it; he sees the way he looks at himself in the mirror, the way he way he watches his videos back with a look of disdain on his face, the way he talks about himself when he’s had too much to drink. When they finally move in together, Dan sees this side of Phil more often than he ever expected to. And sometimes the tables have turned and _Dan’s_ the one telling _Phil_ that he’s funny and perfect and lovely and how could anyone not love him? 

All in all, Dan and Phil are a pretty fucked up pair, because they’ve both got inner demons they can’t escape, and they both cry and yell and break things when they’re frustrated, and they both hate themselves sometimes but they’ve both got each other to make everything okay again. Or so they thought. Because yeah, Dan has Phil, but honestly, Phil isn’t enough sometimes. 

* * *

It’s a rainy day when it happens. The thunder is crashing loudly outside, the rain’s beating hard against his windows, and Dan’s sitting alone in his room, tears streaming down his face, heart pounding hard in his chest. He’s shaking from head to toe and he’s mad and sad and scared and he just fucking can’t do it anymore. He can’t.

He’s locked his door and after an hour, Phil stops trying to get in. He stops talking to Dan through the space of wood between them, stops yelling to Dan to unlock the door and let him in. He gives up and Dan doesn’t blame him, because he’s given up too. 

He’s moody and irrational and annoying and negative and he fucking hates himself, hates everything about himself. And Phil doesn’t deserve to put up with him anymore; hell, it’s been almost four years and Dan hasn’t gotten any better, and Phil’s been dealing with him for far too long now. He needs to put Phil out of his misery, and himself as well.

He unlocks his bedroom door and quietly walks across the hall to the bathroom. He can hear the TV from the lounge, so he knows Phil is still awake and maybe he should wait until he’s asleep but he can’t wait. If he waits, he’ll lose his nerve and he just needs to do this now. He can’t take it anymore. He can’t take being alive anymore. 

He enters the bathroom and his heart is pounding and he feels like he’s going to be sick, but he ignores everything and rifles through the cabinet above the sink for a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. Because that’s what he wants to do. Sleep. Forever.

He turns on the tap and fills a cup up with water, then takes on pill. Then another, and another, and another, and he’s shaking and crying and part of him wants Phil to run in the bathroom and stop him, but another part of him just says, “Take another pill,”

So he does. 

* * *

A bright light burns against Dan’s corneas as he opens his eyes and his first thought is that he’s dead. He did it, he killed himself. And then he hears a sharp intake of breath and someone grabs his hand and shit, maybe he’s not dead after all.

Gingerly, he opens his eyes to look around and at first, all he sees are white and lights but he turns his head to the side and see Phil sitting by his bedside and fuck, he’s alive and he doesn’t know if he’s relieved or disappointed. 

“Hi,” Phil’s voice is raspy and his cheeks are stained with tears. “You okay?”

Is he okay? He just tried and failed to kill himself, not he’s not fucking okay. But he doesn’t say that because he’s not mad at Phil, he’s mad at himself, so all he says is, “My stomach hurts,” and he realizes his throat hurts too.

“You got your stomach pumped,” Phil explains to him. “They - the doctors - weren’t sure if you were going to make it. You - you nearly overdosed Dan,”

“I know,” Dan says slowly. “I - I just -”

“You know?” Phil repeated, and Dan can see it in his eyes, a look he rarely sees from Phil: he’s pissed. “You knew what you were doing? You purposely tried to overdose?” his voice raises as he speaks, getting angrier and angrier, and Dan is at a loss for words right now. “Are you fucking stupid?” he asks, and Dan flinches, not because Phil’s yelling at him but because Phil rarely swears and it’s a little terrifying when he swears out of anger. “Why would you try to do that, Dan? Why - why would you want to leave me like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Everything is wrong with me!” Dan exclaims, and he can feel tears welling up in his eyes and what the fuck, how can he still manage to cry? “Haven’t you realized it yet Phil? I’m a fuck up! I hate myself, I hate everything about me, and I can’t do it anymore!”

“Do what anymore?” Phil asks him. “You can’t live anymore? Why? Because you don’t like yourself? Well what about the people that do like you? What about your family and your subscribers - what about me Dan?” Dan half expects a nurse to come running in because Phil’s all but screaming at him right now, but no one does and what kind of hospital is this? “I mean, damn it, Dan!” Phil starts pacing and Dan can see how frustrated and angry and scared and sad he is, and he can see tears streaming down his face but Phil doesn’t react to them. “Do you know how fucking selfish you’re being right now? Do you have any idea how much it would mess me up if you would’ve killed yourself?”

“You would’ve been fine, Phil,” Dan insists, bringing a hand up to wipe at his wet cheeks. 

Phil gapes at him. “Are you even _hearing_ yourself right now, Dan?” he all but shouts at him. “Who - who sits up with me when _I_ feel like shit? Who tells me it’ll be okay when _I_ don’t think I can do it anymore? Who holds me when I cry, who tells me all sorts of good things about myself that aren’t true? Who’s been there for me since day one? Who’s been _my_ reason to live?” Dan falls silent and Phil continues, “It was you, you twat! You’ve been my rock, you’ve been my best friend, you’ve been my _everything_ for so long and you think I would’ve been fine >/i> without you? Are you fucking mental?” 

Phil stands at the foot his Dan’s hospital bed, breathing heavily, his chest caving in and out rapidly, and Dan doesn’t know what to say because for all this time, he never realized just how much Phil needs him. “I was so scared today, Dan,” Phil says, his voice shaking. “I - I don’t know what I would do without you, I -” He breaks off as a sob escapes his lips, and Dan sits up in his bed, ignoring the slight pain in his abdomen and he motions for Phil to come to him. And he does, and Dan pulls him into the tightest hug he can muster up and Phil whispers to him, “I love you so much, Dan. Please - please don’t leave me, please. I need you,”

Dan presses his face against Phil’s shoulder, his body shaking as he cries and he whispers over and over again, “I’m sorry,” and this time he means it.

* * *

It’s been a year since Dan’s tried to kill himself, and he isn’t entirely sure how he feels, if he’s gotten better or worse, if he still wants to die. He does know, however, that he put Phil through hell and he’s not sure if he can forgive himself for that. For months, Phil was terrified of leaving him alone, terrified of saying the wrong thing, and things between them kind of gone to shit because they’re both anxious and on edge, and they have to pretend like it’s completely normal that Dan has therapy once a week and has to take pills to keep him sane once a day. 

It’s not normal and they’re not normal, and maybe Dan doesn’t want normal. Dan just wants Phil and he wants to be happy, and it might’ve taken him almost killing himself to realize he doesn’t have to try as hard to get either. 

Phil hasn’t left his side for a minute, and he helps Dan ease back into making videos again and he doesn’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to, and he goes out of his way to tell Dan how much he loves him, and fuck if Dan isn’t so lucky to have Phil. He loves him so much and sometimes he wonders if Phil even knows how much he means to him. 

The anniversary of Dan’s suicide attempt rolls around, and just like last year, it’s raining hard and Dan wants to laugh at the irony. He’s been slightly on edge all day and he isn’t sure if it’s because he can’t stop thinking of how a year ago today he almost wasn’t here, but he thinks about things differently now. He doesn’t think about the bad things about himself, he tries harder to think of the good things about himself and about life. And almost all of them center back to Phil. Because for the past year, Phil reminded him how to love himself and he’s made him feel not so much like a sick man anymore. 

Dan creeps out to the lounge where Phil’s on his laptop and a Buffy rerun is on TV, but all of his attention goes to Dan the second he enters the room. “Hey, you,” he says with a smile, moving his laptop aside so Dan can sit next to him. With a nervous smile, Dan takes a seat next to Phil who asks him, “What’s up?” 

“Just thinking,” Dan exhales shakily and he takes a deep breath because he didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to say any of this. “About you, actually,”

“Me?” Phil raises an eyebrow slightly, and Dan nods. 

“I don’t tell you this enough, but you really are the best person ever, Phil,” he says. “And I don’t even deserve you, but I’m so glad I have you,”

Phil blushes, and it’s the cutest thing Dan’s ever seen. “It’s no big deal,” he mutters. “You do the same for me,”

“Yeah, but it is a big deal,” Dan insists. “Because you’re so perfect and amazing and you managed to love me so much, even when I couldn’t love myself. And I don’t know what I’d do without you, you know?” Phil smiles and reaches for Dan’s hand, and Dan gives his hand a little squeeze and he continues, “Last year, when I was in the hospital, I thought a lot about what you said… that I was stupid and selfish for trying to kill myself-”

Phil cringes. “I was mad Dan, I didn’t mean-”

“You were right though,” Dan interrupts quickly. “Because I was only thinking about myself and how _I_ didn’t want to be alive anymore, and I wasn’t thinking about all the other lives I would’ve fucked up if I had actually died. You - I think I needed you to yell at me because anyone else would’ve just coddled me; but you were right. Last year, I was selfish and angry at myself and I just… gave up,”

Dan can see Phil’s getting choked up and he swallows thickly before asking, “And what about this year?”

Dan manages a little smile, a genuine one, and he says, “This year, I’m not as selfish anymore, and I’m so angry anymore, and I’m not going to give up again. I’m not going to give up on myself, and thanks to you, I’m not going to give up ever again,” he pauses because he’s starting to tear up now but he doesn’t feel ashamed for feeling anymore. “Because of you, Phil,” he says, his voice trembling a little. “Because you’re so sweet, and caring, and smart, and kind, and honest, and brilliant - because you’re you and because I have you in my life, I’m not going to give up ever again,” he pauses to reach out and thumb away the tear that managed to streak down Phil’s cheek. “I love you, Phil,” he tells him, and Phil chokes back a sob. “I love you so, so fucking much,” With tears brimming up in his eyes, Dan lets Phil take him in his arms and pull him into a tight hug. Dan buries his face in the crook of Phil’s neck and he whispers to him, “And thank you for loving me,”

He doesn’t have to see Phil’s face to see that he’s smiling and he whispers back, “What’s not to love?”


End file.
